A friend of mine, Jasmine, shares the words and hijinks of her little ones regularly on Facebook, and very often they include some viewpoints that are pretty precocious for their ages. But Jasmine is a strong, independent individual who embraces all manner of diversity and life experiences in her own world, and it’s natural that that kind of thinking should be passed along to her kids.

Recently, she posted something about her son promising to deliver an unpredictable performance as a wise man at the church Epiphany pageant, and commented about how she wasn’t given “unexceptional kids”. It made me think about how kids become “unexceptional” or “exceptional”… that old Nature vs. Nurture argument, you know?

There are stories out there of kids who are bold, imaginative and independent as soon as they exit of the womb, and who defy all attempts to reign them in… I’ve known a few. But I believe that many more kids are what we, as parents, allow them to become. They’re like Silly Putty™, and it’s up to us to decide whether we’ll smash them onto the financial pages or the comic strips.

So, how do we raise kids to experiment with who they are without simultaneously ruining their chances of holding a public office down the road? Or, simply getting hired at a company that pays more than minimum wage? I think it’s a fine line, but it can be done. And I think it’s something we have to do on purpose.

For me, it’s important to teach my kids to explore all manner of hobbies, interests, job choices, clothing styles (oh my god, the goth eye-liner…!), and music choices, without worrying so much about how it looks to my friends or society in general. That said, there is also a level of respect for other individuals, and compassion for those around us that I believe requires that we not allow our children (or ourselves) to just Be Who They Are, no matter who is offended or hurt by their behaviors. As long as the needs and expectations of others are considered when it’s appropriate*, my kids are encouraged to consider all the possibilities available to them without fear of being restricted from something that I either don’t appreciate or don’t understand.

*I firmly believe it’s possible to be a creative, independent individual while still maintaining a self-control that allows us to visit our grandmother’s sewing club without causing a “bless her heart” moment, or forever ruining the video memories of the parents of all the other children at the dance recital.

Recently, my father has commented on my 19-year-old daughter’s desire to get a new tattoo. He has made it clear (several times) that he doesn’t like tattoos on young women. He believes they are ugly, and they take away from the natural beauty of the women who wear them. He has claimed that he understands the purpose of her tattoos (she has three, and two are in memory of my mother), but whenever she brings up the subject of getting a new one, he feels the need to reiterate his position. I think he’s frustrated that his desire for her to not have them is not enough to make her stop wanting to have them.

This line of discussion caused a flashback moment for me recently, as I had a heated conversation with him (in my bathroom mirror – does anyone else do this??) about how being a parent or grandparent does not give one the right to shame the child into adherence to an ideal that the parent believes in, but from which the child has chosen to move away from. I put off my own dreams of studying theater because step-mother was disapproving of the director of the program at the local college I was enrolling in. At the age of 18 I was still very much in need of my parents’ approval, and her comments were enough to make me take a path of least resistance. Thirty years later, I am extremely happy with the place I have landed, and the degree in English I eventually received, but I still get choked up watching the Tony awards thinking about what might have been had my parents been encouraging and allowed me to make my own choices.

We see this conflict all the time in kids who choose a different path to find their spiritual homes, and in those who live a lifestyle that is not accepted or understood by their parents. But it also shows up in small ways like restricting the kinds of clothing we allow our children to wear or what kind of music they can listen to. My mother was chastised for allowing my brothers and their friends to play Dungeons & Dragons, since that game was obviously a sly introduction to magic and demons and all manner of un-Christian things. Oh the horror! Thankfully, my mother leaned heavily toward the comic strips when smashing her silly putty kids.

And, for the record, none of us are devil-worshippers. Although one of my brothers works for the U.S. State Dept., so he may be close. hehehe…

As I said, it’s a tough line to walk. Just last week I lamented about my adult daughters’ use of swear words on social media. This could be seen as hypocritical by some, I suppose, but to me Facebook is like a big room that all your friends are hanging around in, and your grandparents are invited to the same party. Be respectful and behave accordingly.

How are you encouraging independence in your kids? And what double-standards are you finding it hard to shake off? I’d love to know I’m not alone!