Having now celebrated two Christmases without my mother I am convinced that, contrary to what well-intentioned people have told me, it will never get any easier. 2009 was very difficult because I spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas that year away from home and my family and the traditions that are comfortable for me, but this most recent holiday season I got to spend both of those days with my siblings and it was still hard. Not sobbing-in-bed-for-hours hard… there was no crying or reminiscing aside from a comment at Thanksgiving about the day also being her birthday… the difficult
y was less intrusive, but just as painful.
One particularly tough moment came at a craft fair my sister and I were selling at in October. As I was browsing the other booths I discovered something that would have been a perfect gift for my Mom and was hit by the stunning realization that I would never buy her another gift. My mother was a joy to buy for. She and I had similar taste in many things – decor, clothing, hobbies. Perhaps that’s why I now have so much of her stuff in my garage? I felt I knew her so well that when I found The Perfect Gift it was a thrill just to anticipate her opening it, let alone seeing her reaction post-reveal.
Another wrinkle this year was the grand-baby in our
house. She looks so much like my mother did as a baby – she has her chin and her smile and her red hair!! – and I know Mom would have loved to have a new baby to buy for. I hope I can measure up to Mom’s stellar Nana talents as I learn to be a Nonnie for my little one.
But being with my brothers at Thanksgiving and my sister for Christmas helped somewhat as we move forward “sans mere”. I’m confident we will make new traditions as we learn to share our own homes with each other instead of relying on mom to always be the hub of our family wheel.
Losing a parent in 2009, and gaining a grandchild in 2010 kind of trumped any list of goals I made those years. I’ll give 2011 some thought and get back to you on that.
Until then – I’ll share my mantra for the new year:
Do or do not… there is no try. — Yoda
You’re right–it doesn’t get easier. But as time goes by, the occasions when you see something she would like, become gifts in and of themselves. Now, when I come across a piece of furniture or cloth that my mother would have loved, it makes me smile. And if my daughter is with me, I can show her a bit about her grandmother’s artistic good taste.
I still cry when I think of how much life she missed, and how much I miss her in my own life. But even after 27 years, her values, influence, and personality are still very much a part of me, and I do see all that in her grandchildren, whom she never met. There is definitely a bittersweet part of carrying on without a loved one.
(Going off to dry eyes…)
People have such a difficult time speaking about losing a loved one and so I applaud your honesty and courage. Thank you so much for sharing. It is easy to share our laughter but not so much our pain…
Peace & Blessings.
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