Remember when you were mortified by your parents because they said or did something TOTALLY uncool in front of your friends? Your friends would knowingly roll their eyes in sympathy, understanding your pain… and sharing your desire to grow the hell up so you could do the same thing to YOUR OWN kids. (you see where I’m going with this, right?)
Kelsey and I were in the bread aisle the other day, and Olivia Newton John’s “A Little More Love” was playing on the musak. I was singing along… because it was just a great opportunity to encourage the sure as clockwork “Mom, PLEASE!!” reaction from the girl. And because, who can resist singing along to that song???
While the singing and the average-every-day embarassment was mighty fine, the parental gods were smiling on me… Just as I finished my best “will a little more loove make it righ…IIIIGHT!” a cutie pie of a boy walked around the corner of the ice cream case and headed up the aisle toward us. I’m fairly certain he was close enough to hear my amazing vocalizations, and to make it even more perfect, Kelsey didn’t know he was there yet because she was facing the opposite direction. At just the right moment, I said “Kelsey, quit singing, geez…” and just as she started to say “I’m not!” she caught sight of Cutie Pie coming up on her right.
The priceless look on her face – OH MY GOD!!! It was hysterical!!!! Her mouth was open to say “I’m…” and her eyes got wide and cut to her right, and she just froze. Oh how I wish I had the video surveillance from the store. *sigh*
Parenthood can sometimes be quite rewarding.
Yes!!!! I’m so with you on this.
One of my favorites is to walk along behind my teenage daughter in grocery stores and malls doing the “booty walk”–kind of like a stalking flamingo. Makes my already generous hind portions look totally astonishing. Plus it looks like she’s leading a disabled person through the store. I’ve done it so much that she now insists on walking behind me at all times.
And on that same theme: A few years ago, when my daughter was in middle school (so sensitive at that age), we had a Halloween costume contest at work. I didn’t want to enter the contest, but I took advantage of the occasion to make myself a costume that was wearable to work. I bought two pairs of the most enormous panties on the planet. I put one pair inside the other, sewed them together around the legs, at the side seams, and up the middle of the back. Then I filled the two back pockets I created with fiberfill. Whole pillows’ worth. On Halloween, I put them on with some giant sweatpants over them and just a regular shirt. When I got to work, the security guard greeted me as I entered and said, “Where’s your costume?” And I said, “I decided not to wear one.” And then I turned sideways to walk over to the elevators. The guard screamed and fell out of his chair. I did learn something about prejudice that day. I’d be walking down the street and people would start to point and laugh and then you’d see it cross their minds: “What if it’s not a joke? What if she really looks like that?” And they’d skulk away. Lots of people couldn’t make eye contact with me at all. But that’s another subject. You KNOW I had to pick my daughter up after school that day! I parked right at the door, got out, and was dramatically cleaning my windshield when she came out. It was priceless.
I had the biggest crush on Olivia after Grease came out (Sandra Dee, not the slut she morphed into). It lasted until her song, “Physical” was released. The sound of that song made me physically ill. Still does.
Denise, they’ll appreciate us when they have their own children. They’ll steal our brilliant ideas and call them their own.
Another favorite of mine: driving Hubby’s electric blue Tacoma to school (or the game, or whatever) to pick up a girl-child, with Depech Mode’s “Just Can’t Get Enough” cracking-the-windshield-loud on the cd player. Good times. :)
i agree, the best thing about parenting teens is that you get to embarrass them.
OMG I love it!!! This is sooo giving me something to look forward to! I’ve been afraid of Liv’s teenage years, but oh, I didn’t understand the embarassment potential of those years!!
I see you come from the school of philosophy that says “Having your own kids is the best revenge.”
What I figure is, if I have to put up with their teenager-ness, they can put up with my crazy mom-ness.
AND, they’ll have LOTS to talk about at my memorial service!! Woohoo!!
The memorial service. *snort laughing* I guess mine will be a roast. Maybe I can leave a request to play “Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox When I Die” as everyone enters and “You Don’t Have to Call Me Darlin'” as they exit.
Ohhh, great…. Now that song is stuck in my head. I got drunk, the day my mom got out of prison…